Day one - "Guilt is absent when the act is justified"

I don't know who said, "Guilt is absent when the act is justified," but they are wrong. Or, at least I hope they are wrong, because if they are right, I should not be a working momma. The guilt is heart wrenching. I actually thought I would be sort of okay today when I dropped him off for the day. I walked into daycare, took my son out of his coat, put his bottles in the refrigerator, and handed him off to his caretaker. I gave him a few kisses and then tore myself away. Now, I have often said that I "tore" myself away from things or conversations. All lies. This is what tearing actually feels like. I definitely left (at least) half of myself there as I turned my back on my son and walked out the door. I was grateful for the cold outside - the icy wind helped hide the very real tears that readily slid down my cheeks. As I climbed into the car, I realized that, as I was wiping my tears, I was also wiping with them the first makeup I have worn in quite some time. Oh well. Whoever said mommies and makeup go together anyway?

My boss is amazing and a mother herself. I was thrilled when she pretty much ordered me out of the office for a long lunch to visit my son. The huge smile on his face when he saw me simultaneously warmed what was then left of my heart and made me want to burst into tears again. I have often questioned whether my son knows I am his mother and worried that he will mistake his caretaker for his mommy. I knew at that moment that he knew I am mommy, but I also knew that means he knew I was absent from his life for all those hours. I just hope he does not feel the tearing. The separation anxiety stage is going to be rough.

I don't look forward to tomorrow's workday. Today sort of felt like a one-off. Tomorrow is the first repeat of today and, therefore, the establishment of the daycare routine. Maybe I just won't bother with the makeup until I am at my desk... for now, anyway.