He knows - daggonit

Well, my son has figured it out.  Mommy leaves each morning.  As of yesterday, my heart is again ripping from my chest as I leave him in the mornings because now he knows.  He just looked at me with a face that screamed, "Where are you going, Mommy?"  He was no screaming; he was perfectly happy and started playing the moment I stopped blowing him kisses through the window as I backed up slowly toward my car.  Inside, I was screaming, though. 

The HUGE positive about this newfound knowledge my son has?  I am pretty sure he also knows I will come back.  He was very happy to see me yesterday afternoon and as always, he is my brightly defined finish line for today.  I cannot wait to kiss those cheeks and have those little arms wrap around my neck.  I just have to relive all of the pain and remind myself that he is happy during the day and that is what matters.  My guilt is of my own doing.

Oh, and I also have to hope that when separation anxiety begins, it is not too bad.  For anyone involved.  It would suck if he screams when I leave in the morning, but it would be even worse (for me) if he screams when I pick him up to take him home in the afternoon.  Time will tell.  And so will this blog if I get back to writing frequently.